Tools for every handy man

handyman

Tools are wonderful things, they help us to accomplish tasks that we couldn’t normally do on our own, they are wonderful assistants... unless you are one of those handy Do-it-yourself types who give us new insight into common everyday tools

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the wall or smashing the window.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them some-where under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Uh-oh!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Some-times used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools capable of trans-forming human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion. The more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wooden projectiles for testing wall and window integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect from the engine.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and for butchering your palms.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as newly upholstered furniture, vinyl records, all liquids contained in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



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Points To Ponder

Chinese Proverbs
  • Man who run in front of car get tired.
  • Man who run behind car get exhausted.
  • Man with one chopstick go hungry.
  • Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
  • War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
  • Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

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