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A Winter Wonderland Diary

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December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our coffee and sat by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbour tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. Bob says we'll have had so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible at all. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Picked up snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my keister on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the blessed stuff last night. More shovelling. Took all day. Blessed snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of aggravation fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and got dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he’s lying too.

December 23 - Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to a whopping minus 10. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6 inches, packed so hard by the snowplough that l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplough I'll drag him through the snow and beat him with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

December 25 - Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the cursed stuff. We are completely snowed in. The very idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! The snowplough driver came by asking for a donation— I chased him with my broken shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 29 - Another 10 inches. Bob says I should shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. How gullible does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. That was the last straw - Ranting like an idiot, I beat up the snowplough driver and he is now suing me for a million dollars. I’m overcome with uncontrollable fits of evil laughter and wringing of my hands. I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.

January 8 - I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? I wonder if it’s snowing out today? I love snow.....



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Points To Ponder

Something to think about
  • Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
  • Why do round pizzas come in square boxes?
  • How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
  • Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up just about every two hours?
  • Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in crappy binoculars to look at things way down on the ground?
  • Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
  • Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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